Photograph: Galgorm Knitted Press Association (GKPA). Archive still from GBC coverage of the Galgorm Parish Council elections, Thursday, 18 June 1970.
The Galgorm Broadcasting Corporation (GBC) is the oldest continuously operating broadcasting organisation in the known universe, having provided news, weather, entertainment, election coverage and unsolicited opinions to the people of Galgorm since 1894. According to its own historical records, GBC was broadcasting long before television was invented.
Headquarters and studios
GBC’s principal broadcasting headquarters are located in the imposing Galgorm Broadcasting House, an architectural landmark situated between Galgorm Orange Hall and the River Maine.
The building houses:
Studio One: Main television studio, election headquarters and occasional indoor Lambeg drum storage facility.
Studio Two: Entertainment and light programming, including the Corporation’s highly regarded knitting competitions.
Studio Three: News and current affairs, equipped with a desk, two microphones and a telephone that has not worked since 1963.
The Archive Department: A locked cupboard containing 14,000 hours of historical footage, three unexplained sandwiches and a collection of videotapes labelled IMPORTANT.
The Director General’s Office: A room occupied by a large swivel chair and a portrait of the Director General. The Director General is rarely available for comment.
The Corporation also operates several outside broadcast units, including a converted knitted milk float and a mobile television van known as OB-1, which is technically capable of transmitting pictures provided it remains stationary and nobody switches on the headlights. GBC also operates its own news helicopter, thought to be the only knitted news helicopter in use in the United Kingdom.
The Lambeg Drumming Weather Desk
One of GBC’s most ambitious infrastructure projects is the proposed Future Lambeg Drumming Weather Desk, a specialist meteorological facility intended to provide highly accurate weather forecasts for local drummers.
The desk will be staffed by trained Lambeg meteorologists who will interpret atmospheric conditions by striking a regulation-sized knitted Lambeg drum.
Current forecasting methodology includes:
One sharp beat: Light rain expected somewhere in the vicinity.
Two sharp beats: Heavy rain, possibly accompanied by a passing delivery van.
Continuous drumming: Severe weather warning. Viewers should secure garden furniture and bring in the washing.
A prolonged silence: Conditions unknown. The forecaster has gone for tea.
An exceptionally loud roll: Weather approaching from the direction of Ballymena.
The desk is expected to become operational in 2028, subject to planning permission, the availability of suitable drums and agreement between the meteorological department and the Corporation’s catering manager.
GBC has already invested £14.75 in preliminary research.
Notable presenters and broadcasting personalities
GBC has employed some of the most recognisable broadcasting personalities in Galgorm, although several have subsequently disappeared from the television schedules without explanation.
Percival T. Waffle – Chief Newsreader (1894–present). Famous for delivering news bulletins in alphabetical order rather than chronological sequence.
Dame Prudence Unpronouceable – Senior Political Correspondent. Specialises in interviewing people who are not present. Her famous interview with an empty chair was nominated for seven broadcasting awards, none of which were collected.
Wilfred T. Woolworth – Agricultural and Knitting Correspondent. Responsible for the Corporation’s pioneering coverage of tartan sheep trials.
Professor (Hon. Bro. Tibbles) – Chief Scientific Adviser at the Department of ULster Scots Efficiency (DULSE). A mercurial individual who appears in a laboratory coat and explains complicated scientific matters using increasingly improbable diagrams.
Television programmes
GBC’s broadcasting schedule has featured a remarkable range of original productions, many of which have been repeated continuously since the early twentieth century. These include:
Galgorm Tonight: Daily news, weather and village gossip.
The Great Wool Debate: Panel discussion examining the political, economic and scientific implications of knitted materials.
Questionable Question Time: Viewers submit questions which nobody on the panel understands.
The Great Galgorm Bake-Off: Competitive baking judged according to structural integrity rather than taste.
A Question of Lambegs: Musical quiz programme in which contestants identify drumming patterns while blindfolded.
Election broadcasting
The Corporation’s election coverage is regarded as one of its greatest achievements.
Its first major election broadcast allegedly took place in 1894, when a specially assembled team of reporters travelled throughout Galgorm to announce the results of the Parish Council elections. The results were transmitted using a combination of telegraph and carrier pigeon.
By 1970, GBC had developed a sophisticated election broadcasting operation featuring studio analysts, outside reporters, telephone correspondents and a large mechanical scoreboard operated by three junior technicians.
The Corporation’s coverage of the Thursday, 18 June 1970 election is particularly remembered for:
The first live knitted constituency map and swingometer
An unprecedented 47-minute discussion about the returning officer’s hat.
A technical interruption caused by a Lambeg drum being placed too close to the main transmitter.
Technical innovations
GBC has consistently described itself as a pioneer of broadcasting technology.
Among its claimed achievements are the invention of colour television in 1898, the first experimental satellite transmission in 1904 and the development of high-definition knitted picture technology in 1922.
The Corporation’s engineers also claim to have developed the world’s first fully automated broadcasting system, although it is understood that the system consists of a pigeon trained to pull a lever whenever the studio lights turn green.
Its current technical division is investigating 8K wool-based television, and the possibility of transmitting live pictures directly into the minds of viewers using an esoteric theory of knitted telekinetics.
Funding and governance
GBC is funded through an assortment of licence fees, public subscriptions, mysterious grants and occasional donations. Its annual accounts have never been published in full.
The Board of Governors meets on the second Tuesday of every month, unless it is raining, somebody has lost the minutes or the Chairman has forgotten where the meeting is taking place.
About Wackipidia
Wackipidia: A clatter o Galgorm Fowk is the world’s first entirely fictional Ulster Scots digital encyclopaedia. Established in 1967, its extensive collection of biographies, historical records and questionable facts has been preserved on a single floppy disk at the Galgorm Central Telephone Exchange.
One floppy disk. Countless entries. A clatter o Galgorm fowk.